A New Chapter

This past weekend I had a complete meltdown. I wasn't quite sure what was wrong with me, but my emotions were out of control, and I knew I needed a huge break from my family. The same thing happened a few times last month. Throughout December I should have been happy and looking forward to Christmas, but I was depressed and didn't realize it. Depression does run in my family, and I've dealt with it a few times, but never to the extent that I did in December. I'm a pretty strong person with some heavy duty walls built up inside of me. Some of the walls have been broken down through the years, but I'm not one to cry. If I'm crying, there is usually a very big reason why and my kids know something is very wrong. It just is not something I'm able to allow myself to do. With that said, I cried a lot in December.

This has been a new week for me, and I'm coming to realize that I've moved into a new chapter of my life. For the past 10 years, I've been a mother to young children. I've been married for 12 but those first 2 years Paul and I didn't live together at all due to military assignments that kept us separated and Paul's duty in Iraq. As soon as Paul came home, we had Ethan, and almost 2 months later we moved to California.

Our years in California were by far the hardest for our family. Paul and I didn't take the needed vacation time after he returned home from Iraq for a couple to reconnect because we wanted to save those days for when we moved. As soon as we moved, Paul immediately started working around the clock pretty much 7 days a week until he started school. Talk about a lot of stress on a young married couple with a baby. It was so hard for me not to have those precious moments to rekindle the marriage relationship with my husband when he was working so very hard for our family. We quickly moved to both of us going to school full-time and working part-time so we could make ends meet. We chose to keep Ethan out of daycare so we juggled our schedules but rarely saw each other. We managed to have another child during that time, and I chose to put my education on hold so Paul could finish his degree. The day after he graduated from CSU with his bachelors we moved to Colorado.

Moving to Colorado and making the transition to family life was tough. We had an amazing church family and some great mentors to help us navigate the bumps along the way. We had Elizabeth and then I immediatly went back to school to finish up my bachelors degree in Accounting. Fast forward a few years and David came and Paul jumping into is focusing on his Masters Degree a month later. Juggling 4 children while working full-time at a very stressful job that included on-call (meaning pretty much 24/7 duty) and working on a masters degree was crazy for us. We both sacrificed to make it happen and Paul graduated in June.

We've had a crazy 12 years of marriage between us. I've been a mother for over 10 years now and I'm still struggling to figure things out. Some days I wonder how my kids turned out the way they did with such a crazy mother. There are days I feel like I've completely failed them. I love my 4 children with all of my heart, and if you add my 2 dogs in the mix, I have 6 children that need me.

Back to December.....December was a hard month, but I didn't take time to really think about why I was struggling so much. Today, in the car to Costco, I thought a lot about my emotions and the struggles I've had. I realized that I wasn't overwhelmed by my job, but overwhelmed by the emotions to a chapter of my life ending. See, for the last 10 years I've had someone at home with me at all times. Monday started a new chapter in my life because David started preschool. 4 days a week, David is gone for 2.5 hours. I wouldn't have given him up so easily because David and I have so much fun together, but he really needs the speech help. He is so far behind his peers with speech that it wasn't fair for me to hold him back. With that said, my heart has been broken all week while he has been away. While I desperately need some "me" time, I miss my little guy so much while he is gone and I don't know what to do with that time I have each day. I've also been thinking a lot about Ethan. This is my last year with Ethan in elementary school. He already shows me he doesn't need me anymore because he is so grown up. My first-born has become so responsible and independent that I miss him wanting my help all of the time. Elizabeth started Kindergarten this year, but she begged to go all-day. We've made sacrifices to pay for full-day Kindergarten because she loves school so very much. I miss her and our time together now that she is gone all day as well. Isaac has always been my independent child. He is getting better at spending time with mom, but he's always wanted to do things alone. We have our song though....he's my sunshine my only sunshine and he knows that song is his alone. I'm realizing that my children are growing up and I'm moving into a new chapter of my life but I'm not doing it as gracefully as I would like.

I'm ready for this new chapter to begin, but part me of still need to let go and move forward. I'm so excited for the new things I'll be doing, but deep down I'm missing my little guy so much. Next week I'll be joining a Bible study and for the first time in 10 years, I won't have to worry about a child. With David loving preschool so much, I'm hoping he'll finally go into Sunday School without me. I can do things I haven't been able to do for 10 years, and I'm not sure where I want to start yet. Right now I'm digging into a different Bible study which has been so great for me, but I'm ready to put the effort into friendships that I've neglected. I'm ready to put myself first for awhile and that is hard for a me to do. It is time to let go and let God bring me into a whole new stage of life with more trials and more refining....I'm looking forward to the woman I'll be in the coming years.

Thanks for taking the time to read my very long post. Hopefully I'll use some of my new found freedom to write more, but just not this much.

Blessings,
Sarah